A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head,the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in theface.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat wasvery small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
       
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
       
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution." 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. 
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

I heard it like this,

What's the difference betweeh a Hoover and a Harley?......

The Harley has can hold TWO dirtbags.

A local radio talkshow host decided to have a call in show about religion, so he invited a Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and a Evengelical Minister to attend at the same time.

The first caller asked for all three to answer the following question, "How do you decide how much of the offering do you keep for your self and how much do you give to god?"

The Evengelical Minister went first.  He said that after his last sunday service, he collects all the offetory and walks outside and draws a line in the dirt.  He then straddles the dirt line and throws the money into the air, and which ever lands to the left of him he keeps for himself and what ever lands on the right of him "Goes to God, and all his holyness".

The Catholic Priest pipes up, "Ah, I also do a similar procedure, but with one distinctintion. I draw a three foot diameter circle in the dirt, I stand over the circle and throw the money in the air.  Whatever lands in the circle, I keep for myself and the rest "Goes to God".

A long moment of Dead Air occurs, and finally the talkshow host asks the Rabbi to answer.

He replies" I also do a similar act, but I don't worry about drawing in the dirt.  I go outside with the money after services and throw the money in the air.......

Whatever god wants..... He keeps.

I stole this from Neil Steinberg's column in today's Chicago Sun-Times.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my God," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex!"

J.4knee:

A woman recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said she was doing  'fairly well' for her age. 

 

A little concerned about that comment, She couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

 

'Oh no,' She replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? '

 

She said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,  hiking, or bicycling?'

 

'No, I don't,' She said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

No,' She said. 

He looked at her and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?' 

now that is funny.

take care,

roy

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.

The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing.

The 4 year old happily agreed. 

As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.

The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly.

The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son,

"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered.

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote: Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous, self serving and mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a horse "poop" by the clean end....

you guys are killing me!!!!!

take care,

roy

A teacher gave her class a sex education assignment to watch a TV show that had something to do sex and to be prepared to tell the class about it the next day.

The next day, one-by-one each student stood up and told about how they saw a show about women having babies and soap operas where men & women were kissing and such.

The teacher gets to the last little boy and excitedly he says, “Well last night teacher I was watching and old Audie Murphy movie.  And Audie was riding down through this pass when all of a sudden there was 3 Indians coming at him from the front and 3 Indians coming up from the rear.  And Audie pulled out his six shooter and shot and killed every one of them Indians!!”

The teach said, “Well that certainly sounds like an exciting movie, but what did it have to do with sex?”

The little boy said, “Well…..it taught them Indians not to f*** with Audie Murphy!!”

 Good joke, Tom, but I thought the punch line would have something to do with the "3 Indians coming at him from the front and 3 Indians coming up from the rear..."

 OK, so here's a knee-slapper!

A fella was asked by his wife to make a brick patio in their back yard.  They discussed the design, and he came up with a very detailed plan, which called for one thousand bricks.  Not wanting to have leftovers, he ordered exactly 1000 bricks from his local brickyard, to be delivered the next morning. 

He was up bright and early the next day, and when the load arrived, before he would let the driver leave, he counted the bricks, one by one. 

After two hours, he was done.

Turns out, they only delivered 999 bricks.