A fleeing Taliban,
desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he
saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried
towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling
ties. 

The
Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' 

The
Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only 15 shekels.' 

The
Taliban shouted, 'Infidel! I do not need an overpriced tie! I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!' 

'OK,
OK' said the old Jewish man, 'It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
need.

Shalom.' 

Muttering,
the Taliban staggered away over the hill. 

Several
hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your bas @ ard brother won't let
me in without a tie!'

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
 
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
 
The husband, rejected, turns over.
 
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
 
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Very true.

Teacher asks the kids to tell her where their moms and dads do for work and a few interesting things come up, fireman, police, banker etc. But little johnny is uncharacteristically quiet..... Teacher asks johnny what his dad does and johnny says well.... My dad works at a cabaret. Teacher says whats a cabaret johnny? he says well.... he strips on stage for men all nite..... and sometimes he goes out back to the parking lot if the offer him money and he has sex with them.. Teacher says ok lets have recess early kids-but johnny I want to talk to you ok? So when the rest of the kids are gone she asks him johnny is what you said true? He says no.....but my dad works for bose and I didnt want anyone to know!

Classic! 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde ..

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"
asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened... I had
just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite
mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting,
real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his

gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

Man comes to work and boss notices that the man is not looking well and seems to have alot on his mind, so he asks the man if everything is ok. The man replies, "Well boss, I was really excited about the new Windows 7, so I bought it. For the first couple days it worked really great! Heck, I even set my "sleepnumber" bed to be programmed with Windows 7. But for the last week I could not get any sleep".  "Why not?" asked the man's boss. "Well", said the man; "For the last week the bed has been full of bugs and no support......"

Today is United Nations day!!!!

In honor of this day..... I'm going to sit around, argue with my wife and kids, and do absolutely nothing......

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
 
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
 
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
 
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
 
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
 
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
 
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
 
'Oh....she got fired too.'

Logic
 
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
 
 
Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes..'
 
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
 
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
 
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
 
'Yeah.'
 
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
 
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
 
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
 
'Yes, I do have a house..'
 
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
 
'Yes, I have a family.
 
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
 
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
 
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
 
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
 
'No.'
 
'Then you're a homo.'