Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.

I once dated a girl so fat...

She wore high heels and struck oil.

I dated one so fat, I had to get a commercial license to cart her around.

Yea, and if you talked about her behind her back you had to fill up the tank first.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
>> her someplace
>> expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then
>> the fight
>> started....
>>
>> ****************************************************************
>> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
>> for $14.95.
>> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told
>> her the beer
>> would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>> And that's when
>> the fight started.
>>
>> ****************************************************************
>>
>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
>> reunion, and I
>> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
>> sat alone at a
>> nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's
>> my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
>> after we
>> split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
>> been sober since.'
>> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
>> person could go on
>> celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
>>
>> ******************************************************************
>>
>> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
>> alongside the road
>> and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how
>> sometimes
>> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
>> funny? Yeah,
>> well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He
>> stormed over to my
>> car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
>> HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down
>> at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>> And that's how the
>> fight started.....
>>
>> *******************************************************************
>>
>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
>> reason, took my
>> order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium
>> rare, please.' He said,
>> 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
>> 'Nah, she can order for
>> herself.' And that's how the fight started.....
>

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150". The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?"

The man replied, "long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. "I just can't take that chance".

Groomlakearea51:

I dated one so fat, I had to get a commercial license to cart her around.

Well, I dated one so ugly that i would never leave her side just so I wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the up coming election, I called
Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Harry, you're killin' me here!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
 Most of us have naively thought this was connected with religion, or marriage, or something, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story...

When a Hindu woman marries, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the new husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States..

 If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering  telephones and giving technical advice that no one can understand.

A man and his wife were walking through the airport, the man carrying
the luggage. A skycap approached him and asked "Carry your bag sir?"
The man quickly replied, "Nah, she can walk."

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... .
>
>
>The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'? I told my
>husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

>Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
>
>Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

>Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
>cuckooed 3 times.? Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
>cuckooed another 9 times.
>
>I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
>quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.?
>(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
>MIDNIGH T!)
>
>The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told
>him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p***d off in the least. .........
>
>Whew, I got away with that one!
>
>Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted.??

My ex wife was a screamer during sex. She screamed so loud the neighbors complained. I had to quit letting her go over there.